A Radical Act in Divided Times
“I’m compassionate—but not for THEM. They don't deserve my compassion.” What toll is this taking on us, and what can we do instead?
At a time when loyalty to tribe often outweighs loyalty to truth, and when calls for diversity often exclude diversity of thought, what does it look like to act with integrity and compassion? In today’s article, we explore what it means to hold onto our values without letting go of our humanity—and our need for one another.
We’re living in a time when loyalty to tribe often outweighs loyalty to truth—when signaling allegiance has become more important than seeking understanding, and when compassion, tolerance, and reason are too often treated as weaknesses…or betrayal.
We profess diversity, but what we really seem to prize is homogeneity—especially homogeneity of thought and ideology.
We say we value inclusion, but only if it doesn’t challenge the norms or beliefs of our group.
And all of this is taking its toll.
On our discourse.
On our relationships.
On our culture.
On our capacity to see one another as human.
And on our own hearts—impacting our mental health, our sense of peace, our ability to move through the world without carrying constant outrage, fear, divisiveness, or grief.
We’re not built to live in opposition to each other. We’re wired for connection. That’s what compassion is: the awareness that we are all connected to — not separate from — one another, other people, other beings, and the universe itself. There’s a passage in the Tao Te Ching that beautifully captures this idea:
See the world as yourself.
Have faith in the way things are.
Love the world as yourself;
then you can care for all things.*
We all know how easy it is to have compassion for those who agree with us, look like us, and vote like us. But if we profess to be compassionate people, it means striving to extend that compassion to everyone: the people who don’t agree with us, look like us, or vote like us;
the guilty and the not-guilty,
the kind and the unkind,
the people we like and the people we don’t,
the people in our tribe and the people without,
the human and the nonhuman (i.e. animals).
And yes, authentic compassion means having compassion even for those who appear to lack compassion.
(Cue the outrage.)
Many people hear this and assume that aspiring to have compassion for everyone — regardless of who they are, how they vote, and how they behave — means condoning inappropriate, dangerous, even violent behavior. They think it implies enabling abuse, being a doormat, or accepting untrustworthy—or, to use the word du jour, “toxic”—people in their lives.
None of this is what compassion is about.
Compassion doesn’t condone bad behavior; it helps transcend it.
Having compassion for those with whom we share common values—or for innocent victims of violence—is easy. The hard work is summoning compassion for those who are unlike us, who disagree with us, or who do or say things we find abhorrent.
If someone violates or harms another, it’s a sign that they’re lacking compassion, empathy, and magnanimity. The solution is not to withhold the very thing that’s missing, but to fill that lack.
It doesn’t matter who fills the void; what matters is that the void is filled.
When we withhold compassion, there’s less compassion in the world. When we extend it, there’s more. It really is that simple.
Yet in our eagerness to signal opposition to what we believe is harmful, threatening, or wrong, we declare that we won’t grant compassion to “them”—because, after all, they don’t deserve it.
To prove our virtue, we withhold the very thing that’s missing: compassion. We quite literally ration our compassion, doling it out only to those who’ve passed our litmus test, to those we’ve judged worthy.
And we wonder why there isn’t more compassion in the world.
The irony, of course, is that the people we think are least deserving of compassion are often the ones who need it most. Why? Because people who are grounded, secure, and emotionally well don’t lash out. They don’t bully, belittle, manipulate, or harm.
The very act of behaving cruelly, maliciously, or destructively is evidence of suffering. It’s not that they’re evil—it’s that they’re not well. And the response to suffering should be empathy, understanding, and compassion.
Not only because it helps them, but because it fortifies us. It forges our character. It strengthens our compassion.
In other words, compassion has nothing to do with someone else’s behavior—it has everything to do with our own. It’s not about what they’ve done; it’s about who we are.
If we strive to live compassionately, it means we stop asking, “Are they kind? Are they good (and thus deserving of my compassion)?”
It means we ask, “Am I kind? Am I good? And thus capable of bestowing it?”
If after reading this, you’re wondering, How do I actually practice this in real life? How do I hold compassion without condoning harm? How do I stay open without being naïve or becoming a doormat?
If after reading this, you’re thinking, I am a compassionate person… but I could never extend compassion to [insert your own below]:
someone who voted for that person
someone who hurt someone I love
someone who shows no remorse
someone whose beliefs feel dangerous
someone who doesn’t “deserve” it
…then join me and my community of practicing humans. 😊
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*My philosophy of compassion and connection is expressed in my new book, A Year of Compassion: 52 Weeks of Living Zero-Waste, Plant-Based, and Cruelty-Free. I hope you read it and find comfort in it.
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I totally agree with everything you said, but habits are so hard to break. Since reading your article, I've been setting an intention most mornings to be more compassionate and have a hard time making it through the drive to the store or the news every night. I'll keep working at it.