My Husband Wasn’t Vegan When I Met Him

But he became and remains such because of his ethics — not mine

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Joyful vegans in 2010

Bookstore Co-Workers

It was 1994. I was in my early 20s, working at a bookstore in Livingston, NJ, when I heard new staffers were starting the next day. All I knew was that one of them taught tennis and had gone to Rutgers—my alma mater, too.

He was a tall, nerdy-looking guy with longish hair and glasses. His name was David. He was pretty quiet and kept to himself, but in one of our break-room chats I found out he was already attending the English literature master’s program at Seton Hall—the same program I had applied to and was waiting to hear back from.

Fast forward a month or so: I left the bookstore for another job and then got notice that I was accepted into the graduate program. After two weeks of trying to get a hold of David at the store, one of my previous co-workers finally just gave me his home number. I called, expecting a quick conversation about whether or not he liked Seton Hall.

We talked for two hours.

Love Birds

I can honestly say I had no intentions beyond asking about the graduate program, but I discovered this quiet, reserved, somewhat aloof guy was also funny, kind, and intelligent.

We met for a casual look at the campus and grabbed lunch, and that’s when I realized we had so much in common—and that he was pretty adorable with an incredible smile. We enjoyed each other enough to make plans for what was clearly an official date. He couldn’t do Saturday, so we set Sunday for dinner and a movie.

It wasn’t until the next day that I realized our date landed on Superbowl Sunday. I’m not a football (or sports) fan at all; growing up with a sports-betting father—games always on the radio or TV—I was allergic to the sound of it. So when David called to finalize plans and made no mention of needing to watch the game or go to a Superball party instead of seeing me, I noticed. I really noticed.

Let’s say that first date went well. That was 30 years ago this year.

But let’s return to the 90s.

Grabbing a kissy poo in Ireland

When David and I first met, I was vegetarian. He was not, but when we drove across the country in 1998 from New Jersey to our new home in California, David had his last bit of animal flesh (an Arby’s roast beef sandwich).

In 1999, I became vegan. Or as I like to say, I removed the blocks to the compassion that had been inside of me all along.

Joyful Vegans

Not long after I experienced this profound transformation in my life—of which David was incredibly supportive—I brought him information that I thought would move him the way it had moved me. And because he was a curious, open, compassionate person, he read the books I suggested.

I’m often asked what those books were. For me, the book Slaughterhouse by Gail Eisnitz is what woke me up to the violence inherent in the meat, dairy, and egg industries, and after that I read everything I could get my hands on at that time, including Howard Lyman’s Mad Cowboy and An Unnatural Order: The Roots of Our Destruction of Nature by Jim Mason.

David read the books I suggested and indeed drew the same conclusions: he didn’t want to be part of what is an inherently violent system.

And so he became vegan. Or, as I like to say, he removed the blocks to the compassion that had been inside of him all along.

That was his decision—his ethic—not a favor to me.

And yet, then and now, we both encounter people who assume David is “vegan for me”—that he’s doing it for my sake, and that if I disappeared, he’d run straight to the nearest steak.

I think it obviously underestimates David. If you know him, that underestimates him and his ability to think for himself—and underestimates that he owns this ethic himself.

Conduits of Inspiration

It also underestimates why we come together in relationship. We come together to inspire each other. We’re brought together to bring each other new information, a new perspective, a new way of seeing the world, a new way of engaging with the world, a new way of living.

And that’s so important. It doesn’t matter who brings us the information. What matters is that we’re open enough to receive.

Vegans often ask me if I think they should date non-vegans, and of course it is a very personal decision. But what I would say is don’t let someone “being vegan” or “not being vegan” be your barometer for getting to know someone more.

You will narrow down your pool considerably.

Let character, integrity, compassion, and openness be your barometers. And, likewise, be as open, compassionate, and full of integrity as you expect others to be.

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If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out my article on…

Also, this particular video went a bit viral on Instagram, so here’s a short video conveying the same message. Enjoy!

Sustaining Your Health

A huge thank you to all of my paying subscribers—you are the reason I can keep creating and sharing this work. If you’re a free subscriber, I hope you’ll consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Your support sustains this work, and it means the world to me. And speaking of supplementing: even with a nutrient-rich plant-based diet, we can thrive even more with thoughtful support. That’s where Complement comes in, I take Complement Essential as my daily multivitamin for B12, D3, iodine, zinc, and magnesium; Omega Complex for essential fats; and as part of my strength-training and muscle-building routine, I fuel up with their clean Organic Protein (chocolate is my favorite, but they have vanilla and unsweetened, too!). With Complement and my nutrient-rich diet, I have everything I need to fuel my body, support my strength, and thrive so I can do my work in the world for animals — both human and non-human.

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Some more resources for you

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👉 Listen to Food for Thought – Inspiration for living compassionately, sustainably, and healthfully (18 years strong!)

👉 Travel with me! I host animal-friendly, luxury, all-inclusive vegan trips around the world, specifically curated to ensure high-quality, high-touch premium experiences. Check out our upcoming trips, and let me know if you have any questions.

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